Make new friends and keep the old, one is silver and the other gold. Ah, don't we all wish that were true, but the girl-scout esque quote is false on many accounts. We will lose or have lost friends. It is just a part of life. It happens. It sucks. I think maybe that is why I am so bitter because no one has been sticking around. They are always leaving, but nothing stays the same for a long time, other than my sister. My sister has stuck with me since forever, but I think it is because she sort of have to stick around and deal with me. Bless her kind and sweet soul.
I do not know how these situations work. It just happens. One day you are best friends and later on we lose one of the people who we love most in the world. Friends to me are people who should have been your family, but are not. It makes me sad whenever I lose a friend because I always give a part of me to them and never get it back. That sounds ridiculous, but it's true. We cannot rid of the special relationship with that person. Every friendship is different.
The end of a friendship can result from anything. I had friends that betrayed me. I had situations where one of us moved. I had situations where we just grew apart. We cannot stop this from happening. Everything does not stay the same for awhile.
I had a friend who had another friend where she talked lies about me. She did not stand up from me. I took it because I just did not care for lies. And after a while, I was just tired of it. My friend actually started believing her, and I let her believe it. I cannot stop anyone from believing anything. But by doing so, I lost a friend. She is so sweet and nice, but now, she does not understand me anymore, nor do I understand her anymore. I'm sorry. You know who you are.
I am from a family of nomads, and we tend not to stay in the same place for a while. Whenever my family and I move, we would promise to keep in touch. But it never happened. I would not get a call or a letter because as kids, we forget to give our contact stuff. My family did not even have a phone, nor did she. But anyway, I feel responsible for it. She was a fanastic friend, loving and sweet. Again, the person knows who she is.
Growing up can also result in growing apart. My friends in middle school are different from my friends in the present (in high school). Some people mature, others change, others stay the same. During the gap of the beginning of freshman year and ending of eighth grade year, I went to Canada, learn how to take care of myself, read a lot of coming of age novels (Perks of Being a Wallflower, Catcher in the Rye, etc.), and got exposed to the old-school rock scene. That is alot to take in one summer, a two month period, but somehow I lived. I do not remember anything but a song that I played on loop in the airplane because my IPod broke. When I came back, my friends seemed immature. They were not. They were at the right stage of their lives. I was not. I grew up to fast compared them. I bloomed faster. As a result, we have different interests and clash with each other a bit. Thus, we grew apart. There was not distinct period where I knew we were not friends anymore, but after a while, I knew it ended.
However, for right now, there are some exceptions. Some people do stick around. This is how it works with me. I will be by your side as long as you allow me. If you avoid me, I let you because I never want to harm you. But because I allow that to happen, people do leave often. But some people stick around other than my sister.
When people become polarities of themselves compared to when they hanged out with me, I feel terrible. I feel as though that is their true self, that I made them pretend they were someone else. People grow up and change, but a nice guy rarely turns into a jerk. He was so kind and had a good sense of humor, but one day he met some people and lost touch with his old friends. I feel as though that is his true self, but because of my influence, he changed for me. That guy does not even talk to his buddy who guided him. I do not talk to him because I feel as though he is annoyed by me.
It is fine to change. It is fine to grow up. It is fine to bloom in a different way from your friends. We will all meet some people who we wished we did not know. We will lose friends, but we have to move on. Maybe that is why I am so bitter. I never have moved on from those who I lost. By the way, I am still trying to get down to the main reason for my pessimism, lack of motivation, and bitterness. I know I can be a better person, but I need to get down to the main reason for it. I feel as though I am a bad person. I do not know why I am like this though. (Please refer me to a pyschologist).
I lost one friend do to death. My goodness gracious, he was a good kid, very kind, gentle, funny, smart, I mean everything you could ever ask for in a kid. One day he rode his bike and got run over by a car. When I saw the scene for the first time, I did not know it was him. At home someone told me he died. I was frozen and was emotionally detached for months and finally cried. I miss him so much. He is so pure compared to me right now. But, the good die young, right?
Some friends will come back. I had friends where they betrayed me, leave me, and come back after a year or so. Instead of becoming angry, I have lost all trust in them and try to get that trust back, but I cannot. Whenever I become friends with some, I give them my full trust because I believe that if I do not know a person, I should not doubt them. It is not fair. But when someone comes back after a bad argument or fight or abandonment, it is hard for me to trust him again. I want to, but I cannot. It is not possible.
Once someone becomes friends with me, I do not like it when they immediately start judging them. Everyone deserves to have a sense of judgement and be honest, but sometimes, it is quite harsh. I know harsh. I am harsh. No one is better than anyone. In the end, we are all human and will be buried under the same ground. Sure you have a better coffin, but no one will care because we are all dead.
Anyway, if this post offends or if any post offends you in anyway, I will be sure to send you a well-deserved apology. If this post depresses you, again I apologize. I am just in a big, deep, and dark hole right now. Please, do not take losing a friend too seriously. Someone will stick around for you, someone will stand up for you, someone will take you as a first choice. Just let time take care of anything, ok? Just allow yourself to be lost because that is the only way you are going to find yourself. Please, do me a favor and get lost and find yourself.
I will always love you all and thank you,
Violet Sar Bleu
P.S. I wish we can have both silver and gold.
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