I am pathetic

Right now, I should be working on my biology assignment of reading five chapters of my textbook about evolution, only have read the first chapter and part of the second. The reason why I decided to write today and at this time is because I am sad. I do not want to be sad. I want to be happy. I figured that if I let out all of my sadness, I will be happy again. Of course, I am pathetic and still am sad.

Have you ever been so upset that the emotion causes you to be in physical pain to the point where you feel like you need to sit or lay down in order to not fall? Have you ever been so sad that your stomach and head aches? My chest aches, my head hurts, the part of my back parallel to my back feels sore, my stomach hurts, and my fingers and toes feel stiff. I want the pain to stop. I do not feel this way anymore even though I do not mean to. I wish I was not sensitive to emotions. I want to smile and mean it.

I just do not want filled with lamentation and angst. I tried getting out of my house. I tried blasting music into my ears. I tried keeping myself busy. Nothing works.

Alone in my Thoughts

I think the worst thing that I allowed myself to do is to be alone with my thoughts for an entire day, not the whole 24 hours thing, but more of 10 hours. To me, being alone in my thoughts scare me to the point where I just need to escape.

For some weird reason, I have been thinking about long distance relationships and do not why because I am not in a relationship in the first place. I keep thinking about the couples out there in long distance relationships who rely on technology to communicate with each other, who have to worry about plane tickets, who have to worry about internet and phone connection, where people that are not in a long distance relationship have to deal with that. Then, I came to the conclusion that I cannot not be in a long distance relationship because I cannot work Skype, do not have a Skype account, barely answer my phone calls or text messages. If you do not know me well enough, you would not know that I am pretty useless with a phone: not answering it, misplacing it, all that jazz. My irresponsibility with indirect communication is at a all time high.

Another subject I have been thinking about is forensic anthropology. I can easily blame that on watching too many crime shows and looking up random autopsy reports of random murders that range from the murder stabbing to overdosing a victim. I have too much time on my hands.

I blame movies to be the cause of my sick mind. If you have ever watched the film Hook (1991), you should know that it is a completely innocent film about Peter Pan. However, because I have read extensively about Barbara Daly Baekeland and Antony Baekeland and how the pair had allegedly an incestuous relationship--they were mother and son respectively, I thought there was incest in the film. I am driving myself crazy.

I need to get out of the house more.

Catching Fire

I watched Catching Fire last night, and liked it, as most people did.

It got me thinking about which terrain I will most likely to survive in if I ever get reaped into the Hunger Games, and I think that I will most likely to survive in an abandoned city.

Yeah, no more snicker doodles before bed for me.

New Found Love

To be honest with you, I never liked the Abercrombie and Fitch companies, along with their sister and brother brands. I just did not like my shirt having a logo plastered on the chest. However, once my stubborn mind finally looked pass the logo-plastered graphic tops and the scandalous advertisements and the fact that they have a shirtless man in front of the store (which made me want to go away from the store, since I felt uncomfortable), I found things I like in there. For one, I love Hollister jeans. I have small hips and a small butt and Hollister jeans are perfect for that. I used to be a fan of American Eagle jeans, but the jeans tended to be a bit short on me and the backsides tend to be a bit wide. Aeropostale jeans are too wide on the hips and waist and just overall too baggy on the legs; those jeans just do not work on me. Abercrombie and Fitch flannels are the best. Yes, they are a bit overpriced, but the softness and chose of colors and the fit is amazing. I love both men and women flannels. Gilly Hicks bralettes are amazing. I have a small chest, and some bralettes drown me.
However, I do not agree with their CEO, that arrogant twat. Anyway, I just like their flannels, bralettes, and jeans.

Letter to a Friend

Dear Friend,

Even though I know that capitalizing the word "friend" is incorrect,  I think a friend is more important than anything else, though people argue that family is most important. I refute that idea, more or less because I hate it. Friends are people you can choose to have in your life, and family are people you are forced to have in your life. However, I digress.

The reason I chose to write to you is because I hope that you would listen, that you will at least attempt to understand what I am trying to understand. The world needs to make more attempts, even if that attempt will fail by the word of fate. Attempts show care and support for that person. To me, that is the best affectionate expression in the world.

I always hated characters like Anse Bundren, selfish, guilt tripping, unsympathetic, pretty much the worst character alive. I know that is harsh to say, but the purpose behind Faulkner's characterization of Anse Bundren makes me sick. I noticed why I hate him so much. It is because there are people in my life who resemble him.

I dislike that I cannot put a name for you; it seems a bit rude. I apologize for putting you as anonymous for it resembles the quality of invisible.

With love,

Me.

Time Out

I do not like the idea of someone giving up on me, and I will not give up on myself, which includes to continue to write out my thoughts, no matter how painful it was. To be honest, I hate to write out my thoughts, because those thoughts run through my mind a million times per minute (that was over exaggerating, but you get the idea).

I decided to give myself a little break, not from you, but from myself. Even though I like to be alone most of my time, time alone is dangerous for me when there is too much of it. I think too much, look into things too much. Everyone's thoughts are dangerous.

I begin to fear oblivion, not being cared for, not being significant to the human race, nonetheless the universe.

I do not like the idea of time because I do not like the idea of losing time.

Lots of love.

Being Ignored

One of the worst feelings in the world is neglect or being ignored because we feel as though we are not worth time, thoughts, or anything else.

I hate being ignored, especially by the ones I care about.
I hate caring for someone who does not care for me.
I just hate caring for someone ignoring me.