I am pathetic

Right now, I should be working on my biology assignment of reading five chapters of my textbook about evolution, only have read the first chapter and part of the second. The reason why I decided to write today and at this time is because I am sad. I do not want to be sad. I want to be happy. I figured that if I let out all of my sadness, I will be happy again. Of course, I am pathetic and still am sad.

Have you ever been so upset that the emotion causes you to be in physical pain to the point where you feel like you need to sit or lay down in order to not fall? Have you ever been so sad that your stomach and head aches? My chest aches, my head hurts, the part of my back parallel to my back feels sore, my stomach hurts, and my fingers and toes feel stiff. I want the pain to stop. I do not feel this way anymore even though I do not mean to. I wish I was not sensitive to emotions. I want to smile and mean it.

I just do not want filled with lamentation and angst. I tried getting out of my house. I tried blasting music into my ears. I tried keeping myself busy. Nothing works.

Alone in my Thoughts

I think the worst thing that I allowed myself to do is to be alone with my thoughts for an entire day, not the whole 24 hours thing, but more of 10 hours. To me, being alone in my thoughts scare me to the point where I just need to escape.

For some weird reason, I have been thinking about long distance relationships and do not why because I am not in a relationship in the first place. I keep thinking about the couples out there in long distance relationships who rely on technology to communicate with each other, who have to worry about plane tickets, who have to worry about internet and phone connection, where people that are not in a long distance relationship have to deal with that. Then, I came to the conclusion that I cannot not be in a long distance relationship because I cannot work Skype, do not have a Skype account, barely answer my phone calls or text messages. If you do not know me well enough, you would not know that I am pretty useless with a phone: not answering it, misplacing it, all that jazz. My irresponsibility with indirect communication is at a all time high.

Another subject I have been thinking about is forensic anthropology. I can easily blame that on watching too many crime shows and looking up random autopsy reports of random murders that range from the murder stabbing to overdosing a victim. I have too much time on my hands.

I blame movies to be the cause of my sick mind. If you have ever watched the film Hook (1991), you should know that it is a completely innocent film about Peter Pan. However, because I have read extensively about Barbara Daly Baekeland and Antony Baekeland and how the pair had allegedly an incestuous relationship--they were mother and son respectively, I thought there was incest in the film. I am driving myself crazy.

I need to get out of the house more.

Catching Fire

I watched Catching Fire last night, and liked it, as most people did.

It got me thinking about which terrain I will most likely to survive in if I ever get reaped into the Hunger Games, and I think that I will most likely to survive in an abandoned city.

Yeah, no more snicker doodles before bed for me.

New Found Love

To be honest with you, I never liked the Abercrombie and Fitch companies, along with their sister and brother brands. I just did not like my shirt having a logo plastered on the chest. However, once my stubborn mind finally looked pass the logo-plastered graphic tops and the scandalous advertisements and the fact that they have a shirtless man in front of the store (which made me want to go away from the store, since I felt uncomfortable), I found things I like in there. For one, I love Hollister jeans. I have small hips and a small butt and Hollister jeans are perfect for that. I used to be a fan of American Eagle jeans, but the jeans tended to be a bit short on me and the backsides tend to be a bit wide. Aeropostale jeans are too wide on the hips and waist and just overall too baggy on the legs; those jeans just do not work on me. Abercrombie and Fitch flannels are the best. Yes, they are a bit overpriced, but the softness and chose of colors and the fit is amazing. I love both men and women flannels. Gilly Hicks bralettes are amazing. I have a small chest, and some bralettes drown me.
However, I do not agree with their CEO, that arrogant twat. Anyway, I just like their flannels, bralettes, and jeans.

Letter to a Friend

Dear Friend,

Even though I know that capitalizing the word "friend" is incorrect,  I think a friend is more important than anything else, though people argue that family is most important. I refute that idea, more or less because I hate it. Friends are people you can choose to have in your life, and family are people you are forced to have in your life. However, I digress.

The reason I chose to write to you is because I hope that you would listen, that you will at least attempt to understand what I am trying to understand. The world needs to make more attempts, even if that attempt will fail by the word of fate. Attempts show care and support for that person. To me, that is the best affectionate expression in the world.

I always hated characters like Anse Bundren, selfish, guilt tripping, unsympathetic, pretty much the worst character alive. I know that is harsh to say, but the purpose behind Faulkner's characterization of Anse Bundren makes me sick. I noticed why I hate him so much. It is because there are people in my life who resemble him.

I dislike that I cannot put a name for you; it seems a bit rude. I apologize for putting you as anonymous for it resembles the quality of invisible.

With love,

Me.

Time Out

I do not like the idea of someone giving up on me, and I will not give up on myself, which includes to continue to write out my thoughts, no matter how painful it was. To be honest, I hate to write out my thoughts, because those thoughts run through my mind a million times per minute (that was over exaggerating, but you get the idea).

I decided to give myself a little break, not from you, but from myself. Even though I like to be alone most of my time, time alone is dangerous for me when there is too much of it. I think too much, look into things too much. Everyone's thoughts are dangerous.

I begin to fear oblivion, not being cared for, not being significant to the human race, nonetheless the universe.

I do not like the idea of time because I do not like the idea of losing time.

Lots of love.

Being Ignored

One of the worst feelings in the world is neglect or being ignored because we feel as though we are not worth time, thoughts, or anything else.

I hate being ignored, especially by the ones I care about.
I hate caring for someone who does not care for me.
I just hate caring for someone ignoring me.

My Schedule for my Week

I tend to bite off more than I can chew, and it is apparent this week.

Monday- Hieroglyphics Picture
Tuesday- US History Test, Human Geography Test, Computer Science Test
Wednesday- Art History, Lab
Thursday- Vocabulary Quiz, Spanish National Honor Society, Habitat for Humanity
Friday- Drivers Test

I hope you are relaxed more than me.

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu

To someone I miss

You know who you are, and I do not need to explain anything to you, except I miss you.

You are in a whole new world, whole new life, while I am still in the same old world, same old life. By now, you probably do not care about me or have time for me, which is fine because I miss you, but do not have time for you. If it were up to me, we will hang out everyday together, but not every moment because I get tired out easily, or I will not miss you the way I do.

Please do not think of me as a nuisance, an annoying pest, since I just want to see you, to see how you have grown, to see you how you are, happy or sad or angry. I guess life just gets in the way, but I wished it didn't.

I really hope to see you soon.

With love,
And always,

Violet Sar Bleu

Enough is Enough

I never had a great relationship, or civil by that matter, with my father. I never liked him as a kid or do I now. You are probably thinking I have worse things going in my life than you. It may be true, but it does not always mean that I do not have a reason.

I get jealous when people talk proudly of their father because I want to like him, but I cannot get myself to after the emotional damage he has put on me. However, I am lucky. I have another person in my life that is a better father than him.

One day, he called me stupid. You may think that is no big deal, but when someone calls a person stupid over and over again and tells people that they think that person is stupid, enough is enough. I have enough of my father.

You may be going through worse things than I am, or hopefully, better things than I am. In the end, I want you to be happy, always.

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu

Boy vs Girl

In some cultures, it is better to have a boy than girl. Why? Other than the fact that you will have a boy to carry on your name, I see no advantage to having either gender of baby. And if the woman does not produce a female, she will get punished even if it is actually the male's fault. Do not believe me? Look up the x and y chromosomes and bride burning.

My views on Nationalism and Racism

Before I begin, I just want to put a disclaimer out there that I am not racist, and I do not hate patriotism.

People are so obnoxious, especially when it comes to pride of its own country. I get it. You think the United States of America is the best country in the world. Just stop, it is annoying. I see all over television with sports, life insurance commercials, etc. Love for one's country is one thing, being arrogant about one's country is another.

I know that racism is wrong, but I do not understand why certain people get so riled up when someone calls another person a derogatory term. For example, people can laugh at other people telling Asians that they speak like "Ching Chong," and they can laugh at other people telling Caucasians "cracker," but once you insult an African American, all of hell break loose. Why is it so? Also, when people speak of those terms, why do they bring up, "my ancestors went through slavery." It is not like Asians bring up the bombing of Nagaski and Hiroshima or the Cambodian genocide when they get insulted. Or even with Caucasians talking about the persecutions of being in a certain religion, i.e. Protestant persecution by Queen Mary. I digress. Usually, immature people take it to heart, not all people. I apologize if I generalized too much. Many people are not like this, thank you. My last question for you is why a white man killing a black man gets more criticism than a black man killing a white man? Or is it just me?

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu

Weird Kitchen Dishes

Hopefully, I am not the only person that likes to cook weird things when they are bored, let me tell you my weird contraption.

Oatmeal Cake

Materials: Bowls, Measurement devices, Microwave or Conventional oven, Water, Oatmeal, Sugar, Cream Cheese, Sour Cream, Cinnamon, Sugar

Step 1: Mix 1/2 cup of oatmeal, 1/8 teaspoon of cinnamon, and 1/2 tablespoon of sugar in one bowl

Step 2: Cream two tablespoons of cream cheese, two tablespoons of sour cream, 1/8 teaspoon of milk, and 1/2 tablespoon of sugar until smooth with no lumps in the presenting dish.

Step 3: Gradually add in the spiced oatmeal into the cream cheese and sour cream mixture until all is well blended

Step 4: Patt the mixture until well packed at the bottom of the presenting

Step 5: Make on small bowl of oatmeal

Step 6: Pack the plain oatmeal on top

Step 7: Cream two tablespoons, two tablespoons of sour cream, and 1/2 tablespoons until smooth

Step 8: Microwave the bowl without the frosting

Step 9: Add frosting on top and enjoy

Share my your weird kitchen dishes

Terry Prachett: Choosing to Die

In the documentary Terry Prachett: Choosing to Die, a fantasy author, Terry Prachett, thinks about assisted suicide. Many people are against assisted suicide because they believe that it is not the way to die. He visits two men, Andrew and Peter, who do die and die in Dignitas. The reason behind Terry Prachett may want to die is because of the idea of pain when thinking about his Alzheimer's. Everyone should live happily and die happily.

The film is upsetting because the viewer knows that both men die and die out of chose. I tell you about this film is because I believe that if someone goes through immense pain and torture, he or she should be allowed to make the chose to die to end the amount of pain.

I know that many people are against it, and I know that the film is biased towards assisted suicide or euthanasia. However, please consider it nonetheless and watch the film if you choose to.

Best wishes to you, and I want you to live a happy life.

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu

Am I happy?

One of the many questions people ask me in real life is " are you happy?" I tend to say whatever is on my head, regret it, and try to move pass from it because I want to be happy. Growing up, you can call me a basket case. I had trust issues, did not want anything to do with some people, and left any situation that I did not want to be a part of. A large part of me is still like that.

No, I am not happy. I am lonely even though I see people everyday. I need to fix this part of myself because I do not like to be a lone wolf.

Neglect and reject. I hate those two words.

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu

Thoughts on Christianity

I am not a religious person, nor do I believe I ever was because I question way too often. Many of you will argue to me about this thought, since it is very controversial, but hear me out.

The concept of hell. I never understood the idea of hell because in Christianity, hell is a literal place. People are tortured for eternity, forever because they are a sinner and do not confess, have never heard or believe Christianity. People who have never heard of the story of Jesus Christ are tortured forever, including babies and people in other countries. People who are naive are tortured forever. Also, some of the things people get condemned for are natural, such as jealousy and greediness. How can someone allow people be tortured forever? At least on Earth, if someone gets tortured, there is an end to it.

The concept of fear. If you believe in something out of fear, it is not genuine. I do not get why people put themselves in this position for fear if they do not have too.

I think those two points have always been making me question. I should not question.
I should believe, but I do.

Best of wishes.

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu

Why I am starting to dislike a part of YouTube

I cannot write off the whole website because there are channels where there are thoughtful and intelligent, and I like the thought that people can get entertainment directly from the creator. However, I dislike many things about the website, mainly of the idea of money, content, and certain other things.

1. People create things for the thought of fame.
You see those comments on your favorite YouTube websites that say "check out my channel" and "help a person with a dream," and I dislike those comments greatly because a person uses another person's audience to get his or her own audience. Why take someone else's hard work in order to make your work load lighter?

2. The idea that you have to be a certain way or your content have to be a certain way
Apparently, on YouTube, you have to be witty. You have to be smart, funny, charming, etc. I say bull crap to that, and YouTube should be a place where you can share whatever you want to share and have people interact with you, not criticizing you, yourself. YouTube is for everyone, not just for a specific personality.

3. Big Youtubers help big Youtubers
Why help someone when they are better off? Seriously. Why not they help smaller youtubers in order to share their ideas? I do not get it.

4. The idea that it is an industry
People start on YouTube at first for the fact that they were bored. Now, everyone wants more subscribers. The more subscribers you have does not mean the more rich is your content. The quality of the content relies on the opinion on the viewer.

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu

Without Money We'd All Be Rich

To be honest with you, I hate talking about money because it bores me and stresses me about something that is not important to me. I know that money is used to pat back objects, services, etc., but people have become so greedy and infatuated with it to the point where'd I want to pull my hair out.

Yes, I do believe that without money we'd all be rich. Everyone will be equal. Social classes will not matter, and everyone will pursue whatever they want to.

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu

School Started

Today was the first day of my junior year for me, and I am in a weird mindset because of all of the odd classes I am taking such as Art History, Biology II, English III, Human Geography, Pyschology, etc.

Hopefully, I will blend in my classes pretty soon, since I feel like an odd ball out and a loner.

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu

Disturbing things

I apologize for being inconsistent. Yes, I know that I have not written in a while, but I want to give you a reason why behind my apology.

My life, like yours, is inconsistent. I got sick, and had to reminded myself of who is my friend and who is not, which in turn, made me become distant. Other than this blog, I have not been in touch with a social media network (well, except YouTube).

I have other problems too, but I do not want to say just for the sake that I want you to have happy thoughts and not pondering about others. Think happily, for me.

Yes, I know this post is choppy, but when my thoughts run a mile a minute, I cannot help it.

With love,

Violet Sar Bleu